Today was one of the scariest days of my life. So far.
I got a call after a meeting this morning from my fiance. Actually, I got 6 calls and 2 emails. He never wants to talk to me that much, so I knew that something was really wrong. After a few semi-frantic calls and voicemails, he finally called me back. He was having a really bad panic attack. I've never had one and he hadn't either, but at first I didn't think much of it. He told me about how he was feeling, what happened, etc.. and sounded pretty scared. I've never ever heard nor seen him scared so I went home to check him out. Um, and not the "freak show" kind of check him out, just the "Oh God, I hope he's just being dramatic" kind of check him out. On the way home (yes, I talked on the phone while I was driving. The whole way.) I called my older brother, whom I think has had an anxiety attack and/or panic attack (same thing, or not?) and couldn't get an answer. I called my best friend, and she gave me some advice, I called my dad and he finally told me that if it's that bad to take him to a doctor or to the ER.
When I got home, I found him on the couch. He didn't look good. It was so awful to see him like that. It scared me because I've never seen him out of control. I convinced him to go to the hospital with me. We spent 4 hours in the ER. The whole time we were there he was going between sweating, numbness in face and hands, his heart was beating fast, etc..
I know that he loves me. I've never doubted that, but he's really not the affectionate type. Getting a hug is like pulling teeth. We don't hold hands that often, and he never initiates it. It's not bad, it's just him. I'm naturally an affectionate person. I grew up with lots of hugs and kisses and I'm used to it. I crave a really good hug, it's just me.
Anyone ever seen that Sex and the City episode where Big comes back into town for an angioplasty and Carrie comes to the hotel to be with him? For the first time ever he shows her that he needs her. He tells her basically that he wants to grow old with her. Then the next morning he's back to his old self again. Anyone?
So, this just reminded me of that episode. When we walked into the hospital, he took my hand and basically didn't let go for the next 3 hours. Even though I knew that he was going to be okay, it was so incredibly scary to see this guy that since day once I've thought of as this He-Man to be completely human and helpless. He's the guy that I rely on to ground me when I get to be the panicked crazy drama queen. I know what we have and I know how much he loves me, but we're so comfortable with each other we just don't show it sometimes, I guess. For those 3 hours in the hospital, I was his everything. I didn't let go of his hand, I got him blankets, he looked at me like I've rarely seen. I actually saw it. I know how scared he was, and even though I knew he was going to be fine, I know how scared I was.
He's going to be fine, and I know this. But the moment that I realized, for the first time ever, that he needed me, I'll never forget. It's the most amazing feeling.